1.לקוח מהפוסט בבלוג שלי.

2.כתבתי הכול לבד.

3.זה באנגלית ואני לא מוכן לתרגם את זה כי זה ישמע גרוע.

4.עם מישהו רוצה שיתרגם!

5.זה בפיסקות בצורת יומן.

6.תנו ציון.

7.זה ארוך.אבל מאוד מרגש

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Loneliness. A familiar word to one who has spent his life without the thing that brings happiness. A familiar word to one who has never seen the sun's rays rise up over the hilltop. A familiar word to one who has lived his life in an unsightly way. A familiar word to one who considers himself an avenger.

There is nothing here for me. I am a wretched being afraid of what lies ahead. Yet I look forward to tomorrow with the hatred in my heart being the only thing of me that is living. I am tired of this life. I am tired of the nightmares that visit me every night. I am tired of the people who try to relate to me when they cannot. I am tried of being weak.

I was the number one rookie of my class, and yet I feel weaker than the rest. How can this be? Maybe I have been deceived. Maybe everyone who ever told me I was strong was a liar. Maybe I will never be able to fulfill my revenge.

Revenge. A sweet lullaby whispered in my ear. How I long for the day when it will be complete. How I long for the day when I can finally be free from its bondage. How I long for the day when the glow comes back to my cheeks. How I long for the day when I can finally love another. Yes. That is what I truly wish for... happiness. And yet, it's so very far away.

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I looked in the mirror this morning and whom did I see? Not the boy I once knew a long time ago. Not the boy who treasured life and loved it to its full extent. Not the boy who once was happy.

No, I saw none of this.

Instead I saw a child. A child without a face. A child without an identity. A child without hope. This hatred has consumed me to the point where I have forgotten who I once was. I have forgotten what it's like to feel the warmth of another. I have forgotten how to live, how to love, how to...

But none of that matters now.

No... I must live through this anguish so that one day I may be able to go back and remember who I used to be. Go back and remember the real me- not this fool I am hiding behind. It will all be worth it someday.

Someday.

And someday I will finally be free...



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Why is it that sometimes you take things for granted? Why can't you realize it the first time instead of searching for something that was already found? I discovered a treasure today. A wonderful treasure that was right under my nose. A spectacular treasure that has been lifting my spirits little by little with out my consent. This treasure has done amazing things for me. This treasure has unlocked a power inside. A power that I have finally been able to unleash. A power that will separate me from that of weakness.

I thought I had died. I thought that my live had been stolen away from me. I was afraid. I thought that my time in this world was over and I would never be able to avenge the ones I loved. I hated him. I hated everything he was. I hated how I sacrificed myself for him without even giving it a second thought. I hated how he held me as I thought I took my final breath. But as I closed my eyes, I seemed to accept him. The hatred I felt for him inside lessened and I began to appreciate the first half of the treasure.

I slowly faded was lost in a world of darkness. Surrounded by everything that was empty. Surrounded by everything that was black. I had fallen into a vast space of nothing.

But it suddenly ended.

The light came back to me. I opened my eyes and saw the other half of the treasure. She was leaning on me. She was... crying? For me? Did she really care that much for someone who constantly pushed her away? I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thing that came to my mind:

"You're heavy."

But she was happy. She was ecstatic to see the one she cared for so much open his eyes and acknowledge her. I saw it in her. I saw it in her bright emerald green eyes. It was warm. I didn't know what it was at first because I hadn't seen it in a very long time. But then I realized what it was. She had the same look in her eyes as my mother did. The same look of adoration. The same look of tenderness. The same look of unconditional... love. It took me completely by surprise.

I...

I don't know if I particularly like this treasure, and in the end all of this will probably just lead to unwanted feelings.

But...

It is kind of nice to know that they care.

I guess...



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I honestly don't get it. It seems like the more I push them away, the more they drool over me. I can't stand it. How can they like' me if they know absolutely nothing about me in the first place? I don't understand the mentality of girls.

But what do they see in me? What makes them melt every time I walk past them? What makes them think that I am the most handsome guy in town? Am I really that good looking? I never thought so. I always thought that I was just an average looking guy- black hair, black eyes- nothing special. But obviously I am something special to them.

I am so confused. I try to be as distant as possible and yet somehow I end up being the most popular guy in the class. Why are people drawn to me? Can't they see that all I long for is solitude?



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I can't sleep. No, it's not that I can't; I don't want to. I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart racing, breathing heavily.

He visited me again. He visited my dream- no. He visited my nightmare. The same nightmare that has been haunting my sleep since I was a young boy. Every night I fear of sleep for I know that this night could be the night when I see Him again. This could be the night when I relive my past and watch... Watch Him... Father and Mother...

I can't stand it anymore. How long will I have to live like this? When will I find the light in the darkness? When will I find the end to my struggles? When will I be able to have a real life? When will I finally be able to bring out the real me...?

I try to ignore it as much as I can, but there's a piece of me that has been in hiding and desperately longs to come out. It longs to show me what life is all about. It longs to show me how to live, and how to... love.

I need to get rid of it. I need to get rid of it before it takes over me and I lose what I have been seeking for all these years. Since the incident I haven't been pursing anything but revenge. I have not sought out friends for myself, nor have I sought out something to comfort my lonely heart. I decided long ago that I would no longer carry emotions or feelings. I decided long ago that those two things just hindered me from growing stronger.

Growing stronger is everything to me. Without strength I am weak. With weakness I cannot fulfill my objective.

But...

What will happen if I am able to defeat Him? What will happen after? Will I be able to go back to how I once was long ago? How I once was when the world was nothing like it is now? Will I ever be able to love again? And if I do, who will be my lover? Will it be... Her?

No, I can't dwell on these thoughts now. I must live for today, not for tomorrow. I must stay focused so that someday, someday I can...

Live for tomorrow